Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
