The maid of honor just puked.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
