I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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