my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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