just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
