Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
