I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
