I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
