im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
