Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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