Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
