bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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