I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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