No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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