I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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