Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
