So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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