I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
