Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
