2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
