so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
