My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
