Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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