Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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