took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Everything about him screamed your future.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
