All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
