My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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