Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize