Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
