i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
