I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You work out of a Hotel?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
