matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
