I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
