tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
