Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
