I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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