my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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