Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
