is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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