I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
