Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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