Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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