WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
