My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
