my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
