I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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