You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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