so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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