PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
