I love black thongs
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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