I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
