even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
