Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
