You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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