I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
