woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
