I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
