After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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